Reconciliation: Healing the Inner Child by Thich Nhat Hanh – this is the book I’m reading at the moment. Here is the Introduction to the book and the Table of Contents.
In each of us, there is a young, suffering child. We have all had times of difficulty as children and many of us have experienced trauma. To protect and defend ourselves against future suffering, we often try to forget those painful times. Every time we’re in touch with the experience of suffering, we believe we can’t bear it, and we stuff our feelings and memories deep down in our unconscious mind. It may be that we haven’t dared to face this child for many decades. But just because we may have ignored the child doesn’t mean she or he isn’t there. The wounded child is always there, trying to get our attention. The child says, “I’m here. I’m here. You can’t avoid me. You can’t run away from me.” We want to end our suffering by sending the child to a deep place inside, and staying as far away as possible. But running away doesn’t end our suffering; it only prolongs it.
The wounded child asks for care and love, but we do the opposite. We run away because we’re afraid of suffering. The block of pain and sorrow in us feels overwhelming. Even if we have time, we don’t come home to ourselves constantly entertained – watching television or movies, socializing, or using alcohol or drugs – because we don’t want to experience that suffering all over again.
The wounded child is there and we don’t even know she is there. The wounded child in us is a reality, but we can’t see her. That inability to see it is a kind of ignorance. This child has been severely wounded. She or he really needs us to return. Instead we turn away.
Ignorance is in each cell of our body and our consciousness. It’s like a drop of ink diffused in a glass of water. That ignorance stops us from seeing reality; it pushes us to do foolish things that make us suffer even more, and that wound again the already wounded child in us.
The wounded child is also in each cell of our body. There is no cell of our body that does not have that wounded child in it. We don’t have to look far into the past for that child. We only have to look deeply and we can be in touch with him. The suffering of that wounded child is lying inside us right now in the present moment.
But just as the suffering is present in every cell of our body, so are the seeds of awakened understanding and happiness handed down to us from our ancestors. We just have to use them. We have a lamp inside us, the lamp of mindfulness, which we can light anytime. The oil of that lamp is our breathing, our steps, and our peaceful smile. We have to light up that lamp of mindfulness so the light will shine out and the darkness will dissipate and cease. Our practice is to light up the lamp.
When we become aware that we’ve forgotten the wounded child in ourselves, we feel great compassion for that child and we begin to generate the energy of mindfulness. The practices of mindful walking, mindful sitting, and mindful breathing are our foundation. With our mindful breath and mindful steps, we can produce the energy of mindfulness and return to the awakened wisdom lying in each cell of our body. That energy will embrace us and heal us, and will heal the wounded child in us.
When we speak of listening with compassion, we usually think of listening to someone else. But we must also listen to the wounded child inside of us. Sometimes the wounded child in us needs all our attention. That little child might emerge from the depths of your consciousness and ask for your attention. If you are mindful, you will hear his or her voice calling for help. At that moment, instead of paying attention to whatever is in front of you go back and tenderly embrace the wounded child. You can talk directly to the child with the language of love saying, “In the past, I left you alone. I went away from you. Now, I am very sorry. I am going to embrace you.” You can say, “Darling, I am here for you. I will take good care of you. I know that you suffer so much. I have been so busy. I have neglected you, and now I have learned a way to come back to you.” If necessary, you have to cry together with that child. Whenever you need to, you can sit and breathe with the child. “Breathing in, I go back to my wounded child; breathing out, I take good care of my wounded child.”
You have to talk to your child several times a day. Only then can healing take place. Embracing your child tenderly, you reassure him that you will never let him down again or leave him unattended. The little child has been left alone for so long. That is why you need to begin this practice right away. If you don’t do it now, when will you do it?
If you know how to go back to her and listen carefully every day for five or ten minutes, healing will take place. When you climb a beautiful mountain, invite your child within to climb with you. When you contemplate the sunset, invite her to enjoy it with you. If you do that for a few weeks or a few months the wounded child in you will experience healing.
With practice, we can see that our wounded child is not only us. Our wounded child may represent several generations. Our mother may have suffered throughout her life. Our father may have suffered. Perhaps our parents weren’t able to look after the wounded child in themselves. So when we’re embracing the wounded child in us, we’re embracing all the wounded children of our past generations. This practice is not a practice for ourselves alone, but for numberless generations of ancestors and descendants.
Our ancestors may not have known how to care for their wounded child within, so they transmitted their wounded child to us. Our practice is to end this cycle. If we can heal our wounded child, we will not only liberate ourselves, but will also help liberate whoever has hurt or abused us. The abuser may also have been the victim of abuse. There are people who have practiced with their inner child for a long time who have had a lessening of their suffering and have experienced transformation. Their relationships with their family and friends have become much easier.
We suffer because we have not been touched by compassion and understanding. If we generate the energy of mindfulness, understanding, and compassion for our wounded child, we will suffer much less. When we generate mindfulness compassion and understanding become possible, and we can allow people to love us. Before, we may have been suspicious of everything and everyone. Compassion helps us relate to others and restore communication.
The people around us, our family and friends, may also have a severely wounded child inside. If we’ve managed to help ourselves, we can also help them. When we’ve healed ourselves, our relationships with others become much easier. There’s more peace and more love in us.
Go back and take care of yourself. Your body needs you, your feelings need you, your perceptions need you. The wounded child in you needs you. Your suffering needs you to acknowledge it. Go home and be there for all these things. Practice mindful walking and mindful breathing. Do everything in mindfulness so you can really be there, so you can love.
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Table of Contents
The Destitute Child
Part One – Teachings On Healing
One – The Energy of Mindfulness
The Mind Needs Good Circulation
Occupying the Living Room
The Function of Mindfulness
Two – We Are Our Ancestors, We Are Our Children
The Karma of Thought, Speech, and Action
Walking with Our Ancestors
Three – Original Fear, Original Desire
Knowing We Have Enough
Caught in the Past
Learning from Suffering
The Five Remembrances
Four – Breathing, Walking, and Letting Go
Recognizing and Calming Painful Feelings
No Distinction between Means and Ends
Taking Care of Painful Feelings
Beneath the Surface
Letting the Buddha Breathe
Five – Transforming Suffering
The Six Characteristics of Manas
The Wisdom of Nondiscrimination
Happiness and Suffering
Accepting Life as It Is
Six – Healing the Inner Child
Meditation on the Five-Year-Old Child
Listening to Your Inner Child
Talking to Your Inner Child
A Conversation with Your Inner Child
Writing a Letter to Your Inner Child
Sharing Delights with Your Inner Child
Sitting with Sangha Friends
Seven – Reconciliation
Healing Our Relationships with Our Family
Expanding Our Heart
Writing a Letter
Three Sentences for Reconciliation
A Letter of Reconciliation
Lack of Skillfulness
Reconciling with Ourselves
When We’ve Hurt Other People
What Prevents Us from Being Happy?
Transforming the Past in the Present Moment
Eight – Becoming a Bodhisattva
The End of Misunderstanding
Part Two – Stories of Healing
What Can I Do to Help?
The Real Me
Sitting with a Friend
Part Three – Healing Practices
Practice – Removing the Object (from the Buckeye Sangha)
Practice – The Sixteen Breathing Exercises
The First Set of Four Exercises: The Body
The Second Set of Four Exercises: Feelings
The Third Set of Four Exercises: The Mind
The Last Set of Four Exercises: Perceptions
Practice – A Letter from Your Inner Child (Glen Schneider)
Practice – The Five Earth Touchings
Practice – Peace Note
Practice – Beginning Anew
Practice – Emotional Release and Physical Movement (Thay Phap An)